Words I Use

Because I just made a post in which I use some of them, so I should probably define them.

Narrative Power Dynamic: A power dynamic in a narrative, whether this narrative is a story being read, a roleplay, someone’s description of their preferred power dynamic, etc. I might sometimes just say power dynamic.

Principal: The ‘top’ in a narrative power dynamic. When talking about roleplay, I call the person playing the principal ‘P‘.

Constrict: (as in, the noun form of ‘to constrict’, the difference in pronunciation like the one between ‘to present’ and ‘a present’). The ‘bottom’ in a narrative power dynamic. When talking about roleplay, I call the person playing the constrict ‘C‘.

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Defiance in Narrative Power Dynamics

Ways defiance scenarios can happen in a narrative power dynamic, and my thoughts on roleplaying each way (generally as the constrict, because I have other issues with the idea of playing the principal):

(Note: ‘Defiance’ in this case means any kind of purposeful behavior by the constrict that the principal doesn’t want them engaging in. This includes insulting the principal, not obeying orders, breaking rules, etc.)

  1. The constrict is defiant. The principal tries (in whatever way) to make them stop, but is unsuccessful.
    • While this kind of situation can be very enjoyable to read about, I don’t think I would want to roleplay it. It basically makes the principal helpless and powerless- all they can do is rage futilely- and this is non-conducive to the feeling that they are powerful or even self-possessed. I don’t want that in a scenario I’m playing in.
  2. The constrict is defiant. For every defiance, there is a set punishment, and the principal delivers that punishment. The constrict continues to be defiant, knowing they will be punished each time, and they are.
    • I like this dynamic a lot, and would like to try playing it. It requires a rather self-possessed constrict, and a principal with the ability to be dispassionate. I very much like the former, and the latter is what keeps the principal from becoming pathetic like the one in scenario #1.
  3. The constrict is defiant. With some combination of consequences and threats, the principal ‘convinces’ them to stop it.
    • I think this would be interesting to play, but it would need to be planned out ahead of time. Basically, if I play the constrict, I would need to decide ahead of time at which ‘point’ I will break and become compliant. The reality of this scenario would be impossible (for me, at least) to play out in a safe and consensual manner, because if I’m actually being pushed to the point of breaking, I wouldn’t start complying, I would safeword.
  4. The constrict is defiant. They are physically prevented from continuing this. (So, if they’re refusing to walk across a room, they get dragged. If they keep insulting the principal, a gag is used. Etc. Note that this is not possible for everything- if they are refusing to, say, cook dinner, this method can’t be used (#3 could, though)).
    • There would be two ways to play this one. One, like in #3, C decides ahead of time at which point to be ‘overpowered’. Two, they actually fight and are actually overpowered. Both of these actually interest me, but the second would require a lot of care and thought about safety, both physical (making sure P doesn’t hurt C more than C is alright with, and, if C is actually fighting, making sure C doesn’t hurt P either), and psychological (How OK is P with physically coercing C? Does C feel safe enough with P to allow this?).
  5. The constrict is defiant. The principal acts in a way that demonstrates to the constrict that they are worthy of respect and obedience. The constrict comes to believe this, and stops being defiant. (Note: I actually didn’t think of this one when I thought of the other ones. It was sparked by a reading I did later).
    • Honestly, this is a dynamic that I’m not particularly interested in. While I do enjoy positive-authority dynamics as well as negative-authority ones, I prefer a positive authority to have a cooperative constrict. Also, I am rather bad with characters who are dynamic (change how they are) in this way.
  6. The constrict is not defiant. This is obviously then not a defiance scenario, but it belongs here as an acknowledgement of its possibility/reality. At some point, I might do a closer examination of its subcategories too.
    • This is the only dynamic I have actually roleplayed, and I do enjoy it.

On Service (Not properly, but I can’t think of a better term)

I like and desire both doing things for other people, and other people doing things for me (‘things’ here meaning quite a range of things, from writing someone a note about why one values them, to having a party on someone’s birthday, to cooking a meal someone likes or giving someone a present).

I like the latter because it’s a chance to be happy and excited, and because it makes me feel loved/liked.

I like the former because I want to show others how much I value them, and I want to make them happy.

I also have a lot of anxiety around both these things. For the former, I worry that whatever I do won’t be welcome, that I’ll be imposing, or look clingy or overbearing or whatever the word is for people who seem to be more excited about you than makes you comfortable. For the latter, I also worry about imposing, about people doing me favors and how before long this will make them too annoyed to be around me, that they’ll think I’m overly demanding and needy and too much work.

What this means is that I am happier being told what other people like having done for them, because then I know what is welcome, and am happier not telling other people what I like having done for me, because then if they do it, I feel somewhat less like they are only doing me a favor, and somewhat more like they actually want to do it.

This falls into several categories of thought for me: things where I’m not sure if they’re part of my personality or an issue I should be dealing with; double standards I have between myself and others (I have different feeling-ideas on how I should/shouldn’t act, and how I mind/don’t mind if people act toward me), compatibility-thoughts (this would make me compatible with someone who liked to tell others what they liked having done for them, and also liked to do things for others without being prompted), desire-thoughts.

But it’s true, so there we are.

Myself and pain

This writing was prompted by two things: first, a writing prompt that I found here while searching for BDSM writing prompts, and second, a friend suggested pain as something I might want to write about. The prompt was this:

“If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?”

So, how does pain work for me?

First, a ‘how we got here’ overview:

  • Pain is something I desire. As far back as maybe middle school, I can remember moments of telling myself stories when they frustrated, when they didn’t work, because I could talk all I wanted, describe things in any detail, copy my characters’ positions and movements with my body, and the feeling would still not be there. This year I once ended up in near-tears from the same issue- I was trying to enjoy the story, and I just couldn’t, because it wasn’t working, it was empty and blank (this was, incidentally, before I was lucky enough to find a partner).
  • Pain is something I cannot experience in any way except physically. I cannot imagine pain. I write stories with lyrical, detailed descriptions-at-length of the pain my characters feel, but I feel none of it. I do not feel pain in dreams- moments that clearly should be painful give the odd sensation of a tangible absence. I cannot remember pain I have felt when I am not feeling it. I can remember that I did feel it, I can remember how it made me feel, if I think of descriptions in the moment, I can remember them, but the sensation itself is beyond me.
  • Pain is something I have sought out experiences in. Two summers ago, I burned myself on the upper thigh with a paperclip. Three times, heating it red-hot in a candle. I still have the scars. This summer it was on the inside of my arm, and molten sugar. I tried hitting myself with various items. I have now tried me-getting-hit-with-things with the aforementioned, and very awesome play-partner Spiral (I believe the proper term for this is impact play).

So, now that I have had these experiences, what do I know? First, I enjoy them, quite a lot. Second, in terms of the prompt, none of the above. Pain is not in the least bit sexual for me, and it does not arouse me. I don’t feel healed, or spiritual, or giving.

So, what do I feel?

  • First of all, I experience pain as pain. I’ve read the term ‘experiencing pain as pleasure’. It doesn’t quite make sense to me in terms of myself, since to me pain is a physical sensation and pleasure is a mental experience, but even aside from that, this isn’t something I experience. Pain for me hurts. When I burned myself, I was holding the metal against my skin, and my mind was going ‘oh dear god’. The few times I manage to hit myself hard enough to hurt, my mind goes ‘ow!’. When Spiral hits me, my mind goes ‘ow, ow, ow this hurts, ow’, and I move around and can’t force myself still and make quite a bit of noise out loud as well.
  • Second, pain makes me incredibly excited. I get euphoric, cheerfully elated, I smile very widely, my eyes get bright, my talking to myself is excited bantering conversation. After the paperclip, I ran to Zack’s room, basically bouncing up and down going ‘honey, guess what?!’
  • Third, and as I said before, I enjoy the experience. I like it. I like it happening, I like it having happened, I like planning things knowing that it will happen. I like the side-effects- the flooding-though warmth that’s the aftermath of hitting, bruises and the scabs and blister on my burns and the scars I now have. Close to the fact, they make me excited as well, somewhat farther they make me happy, beyond that they make me satisfied. They feel right.

Some final thoughts:

  • While this is possibly obvious, I do not enjoy all pain. Stubbing my toe, period cramps, headaches, are as non-enjoyable to me as, I’d imagine, to most others.
  • Trying to obtain pain, and not getting enough of it, frustrates me. I’ve tried dripping molten wax on my skin, and it’s nice enough, but it’s not enough. Hitting myself is usually much the same. (I have had a pretty satisfying experience with that, but it was my first one, I successfully and purposefully gave myself two bruises, and I was at it for over an hour).
  • If I ever find some way of getting (enough) pain such that I can do it to myself, it doesn’t cause damage, isn’t a limit issue for me, and is quick and reliable, I will be very, very happy. The fact that in very many of my stories I focus a lot on this kind of pain- on pain spells and machines that copy them, on experiences in magical virtual realities where all the senses work but the real body is unaffected- and that characters who can cause this kind of pain really appeal to me when I find them in other works, may be related to this.
  • I have yet to experience pain past the point where I am enjoying it. I think I’ve gotten close- at several points when Spiral was hitting me, my mind went ‘OK, this is approaching the line beyond which I will not enjoy it’- but I have not yet crossed that line. Also, crossing this line is something that appeals to me. It may work out differently in real life, it would have to be carefully arranged to make sure of safety, and I would probably need help staying in place, but it is an experience I feel I want. Part of the reason for this is ‘research’- my characters experience that kind of pain, and I want to know what it is like. Part of the reason, I suspect… isn’t.

And there we are.

The people currently in this part of my life

(This way, when I mention them, the mention will make sense).
People I’ve scened with:

People I both know well, and am out to:

  • My, let’s say neighbor, Zack
  • A long-distance friend

Other people

  • The members of my local community, which is, gratefully enough, a positive and interesting place

Introduction

As noted in the tagline, I’m a kinky asexual with a fondness for words. To take apart this stated identity a bit, asexual-wise, I don’t feel sexual attraction, I find sexuality one of the most fascinating topics in the world, I’m not at all repulsed and in fact am quite the opposite, but I seem to lack the kind of desire for sex most non-asexuals seem to have.

Kinky-wise, I’m a narrative voyeur (I hope to explain what this means at some point) and somewhat of a masochist. I’ve been making up stories involving torture, power dynamics, etc, since I was four, and enjoying them when I ran into them in sources I consumed since not too long after that. I’ve been examining this part of my life since I was about thirteen. At the moment, I’m still very much a practical newbie, but less of one than I was a month ago, which is nice.

Here, I hope to write thoughts, ideas, and analysis on various aspects of BDSM, and also about myself, whether that be things I’ve been thinking about, responses to prompts I find, or something else.

And there we are.