On Service (Not properly, but I can’t think of a better term)

I like and desire both doing things for other people, and other people doing things for me (‘things’ here meaning quite a range of things, from writing someone a note about why one values them, to having a party on someone’s birthday, to cooking a meal someone likes or giving someone a present).

I like the latter because it’s a chance to be happy and excited, and because it makes me feel loved/liked.

I like the former because I want to show others how much I value them, and I want to make them happy.

I also have a lot of anxiety around both these things. For the former, I worry that whatever I do won’t be welcome, that I’ll be imposing, or look clingy or overbearing or whatever the word is for people who seem to be more excited about you than makes you comfortable. For the latter, I also worry about imposing, about people doing me favors and how before long this will make them too annoyed to be around me, that they’ll think I’m overly demanding and needy and too much work.

What this means is that I am happier being told what other people like having done for them, because then I know what is welcome, and am happier not telling other people what I like having done for me, because then if they do it, I feel somewhat less like they are only doing me a favor, and somewhat more like they actually want to do it.

This falls into several categories of thought for me: things where I’m not sure if they’re part of my personality or an issue I should be dealing with; double standards I have between myself and others (I have different feeling-ideas on how I should/shouldn’t act, and how I mind/don’t mind if people act toward me), compatibility-thoughts (this would make me compatible with someone who liked to tell others what they liked having done for them, and also liked to do things for others without being prompted), desire-thoughts.

But it’s true, so there we are.

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