mulling over scene concepts

(Been meaning to comment on this post for a bit, commenting now by reblog to also have it around here.)

One of the things parts of this post made me think of, reading it, was a thing where when I was a kid I remember at one point wondering what adults did when they got together with their friends and such, because as a kid it was playing with toys, and I knew adults didn’t usually do that, but aside from talking I wasn’t sure what they did instead.

And the feeling that in some sense I didn’t really ever get an answer to that question.

Which – when I thought about it, I can in fact think of a bunch of things adults do together (outside of/in addition to talking (and its various variations – go to a coffee shop or a restaurant and talk, walk and talk, cuddle and talk, watch a movie and then talk about it…) (Which, to be clear – I do absolutely love talking to people, and this is a very awesome thing to do with people.))

From sports to working on projects together to table-top games and such to stuff like ‘cooking together’.

And then thinking about a kind of continuum, where the way all these things involve this some kind of external activity means they can span a range of ‘primarily want to do the activity and this person works as someone to do that with’ to ‘want to connect and have intimacy this person and are doing this through this activity’ (and the whole spectrum in between).

(And then there’s sex and such of course. And, all the everything re that.)

And then the feeling when I do want to do *more* with someone, do want it as connection etc, but *don’t have a thing*.

And just – the way parts of this post go to this ‘I want to do intimacy/connection/etc with someone’, for me. And feel like they… opened, or helped open, or helped reveal, or – this maybe grasped-for-area for me, with it. And valuing that.

The Ace Theist

Apparently nobody is going to do the work of spitballing ideas for nonsexual non-D/s weird intimacy for me (insert sarcastic self-aware mumbling about my very niche interests not being catered to), so, here, I’m going to try and manage a little on my own.

May contain food, bondage, role play, sensation play, roughhousing, and nonhumanity ingredients.

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Real time pain memory tracking

So, it’s a thing I know about myself that I have a very bad memory for the reality of pain. Like I noted all the way back here, I cannot remember pain I have felt when I am not feeling it. Among other things, this means that being hit with any sort of severity tends to produce an ‘ow, this hurts way more than I could hold in my mind!’ effect. In a pretty interesting experience in a scene I had yesterday with Spiral, I got to observe this effect in real time.

One of the implements I own to get hit with, and pretty much the most severe one I have, is a glowstick. I also have a rubber paddle, which is about second in severity.

In this scene, I’d asked to start by getting straight out hit very hard maybe 10 times with something, and requested these two implements, paddle first, as the somethings. It took only a fraction of the paddle part (which very much produced the above mentioned effect) for me to decide that the glowstick part would be way too much for me and we shouldn’t do it after all.

Then, at nine and with one left to go, we had to take a break for external reasons. And it took literally minutes of the break before I was right back to thinking I did totally want to do the glowstick afterwards.

Then the break finished and number 10 promptly swung me the other way again.

(In the end, I did decide to get hit with the glowstick, but not in the ‘very hard 10 times’ way. It was still entirely sufficient for me to feel incredibly bad for all the characters in any story I’ve read or written who had a switch used on them (which I imagine is similar). This ends up being further demonstration of the memory effect, because it’s now a day later, and while I remember having that feeling/thought thread, I absolutely can’t recapture it. I’m also trying to figure out if there’s a way in which I can obtain a switch, because as it turns out the glowstick, being curved and therefore hard to aim, can’t actually be swung that hard, and I imagine something straight would fix that problem, so that I could try out the 10 thing more properly. Which I will clearly stop thinking is a good idea as soon as I actually try it, but knowing that doesn’t change things for my brain right now.

I don’t know if this is masochism, the bodily mechanism that’ll later help me with childbirth meanwhile working on this, something that’s actually pretty common and I just haven’t read about it, or something else.

But brains are weird).

The personal and the societal: What do I mean when I say ‘kink’?

[This is something that’s been bouncing around in my head for a while, and I decided it was time to get it out there]

As a general rule, when I say ‘kink’ on here, I am using it as a way to say ‘I have a thing for’. I have a thing for punishment, I have a thing for honorifics, etc. And, it seems that a lot of people use it in this same way (case in points, kink memes). This usage can then mean several things.

  • “This thing gives me specialfeelings. They are a particular kind of specialfeelings that are kink feelings”.
  • “This thing thing gives me specialfeelings. They are sexual feelings.”
  • “This thing gives me specialfeelings. They are are particular kind of specialfeelings that are kink feelings, which are a subset, a superset, or in some other way related to my sexual feelings”.

(The first is the one that is the case for me).

However, I also use ‘kink’ in a way that means something beyond the personal. If I talk about ‘kinky people’, I don’t mean ‘people who have things for the stuff I have a thing for’. I mean something wider than that. Well, what do I mean?

Now, the one thing this could mean would be ‘they have a thing for some thing(s), in one of those aforementioned ways. Just like I have things that give me specialfeelings, they have things that give them specialfeelings (though their things and specialfeelings are possibly different from mine)’.

However, in practice, there’s often another distinction. Often, kink doesn’t just refer to having specialfeelings for anything, it refers to having specialfeelings for things outside the mainstream. So, if I were to have PIV sex with someone as equals, this would not be considered a kinky activity even if I had a thing for it, while if I were to tie someone up, this would be considered a kinky activity whether or not I had a thing for it.

I do think both definitions have their uses. The second is important for group identity in the face of social non-inclusion, and generally acknowledged as such. However, it is also important to not lose sight of the distinction between ‘I have a thing for this’, and ‘having a thing for this is outside the social mainstream’. Because personally, I don’t have a thing for either PIV sex or general bondage, I do have a different kind of feeling about both of them, and the fact that one is considered kinky and one isn’t has no bearing on this for me.

Meanwhile, the first is useful as a way of thinking about things. Thinking of things in terms of ‘what do I have a thing for? What gives me specialfeelings?’ (as opposed to in terms of ‘this is How This Is Done, this is the Way of Things’) is important, and it’s important for everyone, including the people whose ‘what gives me specialfeelings?’ does end up lining up with the cultural mainstream.