mulling over scene concepts

(Been meaning to comment on this post for a bit, commenting now by reblog to also have it around here.)

One of the things parts of this post made me think of, reading it, was a thing where when I was a kid I remember at one point wondering what adults did when they got together with their friends and such, because as a kid it was playing with toys, and I knew adults didn’t usually do that, but aside from talking I wasn’t sure what they did instead.

And the feeling that in some sense I didn’t really ever get an answer to that question.

Which – when I thought about it, I can in fact think of a bunch of things adults do together (outside of/in addition to talking (and its various variations – go to a coffee shop or a restaurant and talk, walk and talk, cuddle and talk, watch a movie and then talk about it…) (Which, to be clear – I do absolutely love talking to people, and this is a very awesome thing to do with people.))

From sports to working on projects together to table-top games and such to stuff like ‘cooking together’.

And then thinking about a kind of continuum, where the way all these things involve this some kind of external activity means they can span a range of ‘primarily want to do the activity and this person works as someone to do that with’ to ‘want to connect and have intimacy this person and are doing this through this activity’ (and the whole spectrum in between).

(And then there’s sex and such of course. And, all the everything re that.)

And then the feeling when I do want to do *more* with someone, do want it as connection etc, but *don’t have a thing*.

And just – the way parts of this post go to this ‘I want to do intimacy/connection/etc with someone’, for me. And feel like they… opened, or helped open, or helped reveal, or – this maybe grasped-for-area for me, with it. And valuing that.

The Ace Theist

Apparently nobody is going to do the work of spitballing ideas for nonsexual non-D/s weird intimacy for me (insert sarcastic self-aware mumbling about my very niche interests not being catered to), so, here, I’m going to try and manage a little on my own.

May contain food, bondage, role play, sensation play, roughhousing, and nonhumanity ingredients.

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Platform desires: versions

One of the things I really wish I could do, on both my fiction and my post writing platforms, is have versions.

Which is to say, I want to be able to post a thing, and then if I later on have a form of the thing I like better, or I make some edits, or etc, I want to be able to put up the new one as a new version of the old one.

In fiction writing, this is mostly a helping-me-with-my-perfectionism-thing. One of my major barriers to writing tends to be the feeling that I can’t write the thing I want to write well enough to do it justice, and therefore shouldn’t write it unless and until I can. But of course at the same time I’d *like* to write more, to let me do the ‘develop the thing by working on it’ among other reasons. And I think that this kind of affordance could help me, to know that I could do a thing and put it up, maybe with a note or tag about feeling more rough-draft-etc about it, and then if I ended up with a better version put that up in turn. (Which of course I might not and even very likely might not, but again, I think just the affordance/possibility being there would help me).

And, while of course there are ways that I could go do this without specific features for doing it, they’re not really something I like as well. I definitely wouldn’t want to delete the old version – I have loss issues, and I’ve also been on the other side where authors have made a new version of something and gotten rid of the old one and I’ve been sad {though I absolutely recognize this as their right, to be clear}. Meanwhile, just putting up the things separately clutters things and isn’t very good organization and to me at least carries inhibitions in that ‘that’s not a thing people do’ way. (Which I don’t endorse, but have in my brain and affecting things anyway). And so then I also feel that having this kind of thing available as a specific feature would help me feel that this is an ok etc thing to do.

In [blog] post writing, the perfectionism side of things is also there, but some additional others come up as well. One is usefulness for various ‘edited to add’ type things – elaborations, ‘I thought of more examples or categories’, etc. Another is mistakes and reconsiderations.

And, again, while there are definitely ways to do these-kinds-of-things as is, none of them feel quite adequate. Editing the post can feel like a barrier to action (again, to me at least) and is inconvenient if the edits are smaller and throughout rather than a paragraph that can be tacked on. It’s also not very good on the social aspect – someone could be super interested in a given post and want to know if more things related to it happen, and still the only way they’d see an edit would be if they repeatedly revisit the post. Commenting on the post might at least notify people subscribed to comments, but would get lost if there were a lot of other comments and unnoticed by anyone who doesn’t look at them.

Just making a new post (or reblogging the old post with new added content) again feels cluttersome, isn’t helpful for someone seeing the original (it’s possible to go add a link to the new one from the original, but this comes with all the general disadvantages of things that have to be done on top of the platform manually rather than being provided by the platform), and again carries the inhibition issue. And again, for me at least having the affordance feels like it might help me actually do the thing and feel it is an ok etc thing to do.

And, while this is one of those things where I’m largely first thinking in terms of myself, it also is in fact one of those things where I would totally be interested in the other side too. (Which – of course there are plenty of people who would never want to use anything like this ever and that is in no way something I in any way want it to seem like have any kind of issue with, and no one who wouldn’t want to do something like this should in any way do so). But, if some other people were interested, then getting a chance to see people’s process, changes, etc is definitely something I think would be interesting/positivethings.

Real time pain memory tracking

So, it’s a thing I know about myself that I have a very bad memory for the reality of pain. Like I noted all the way back here, I cannot remember pain I have felt when I am not feeling it. Among other things, this means that being hit with any sort of severity tends to produce an ‘ow, this hurts way more than I could hold in my mind!’ effect. In a pretty interesting experience in a scene I had yesterday with Spiral, I got to observe this effect in real time.

One of the implements I own to get hit with, and pretty much the most severe one I have, is a glowstick. I also have a rubber paddle, which is about second in severity.

In this scene, I’d asked to start by getting straight out hit very hard maybe 10 times with something, and requested these two implements, paddle first, as the somethings. It took only a fraction of the paddle part (which very much produced the above mentioned effect) for me to decide that the glowstick part would be way too much for me and we shouldn’t do it after all.

Then, at nine and with one left to go, we had to take a break for external reasons. And it took literally minutes of the break before I was right back to thinking I did totally want to do the glowstick afterwards.

Then the break finished and number 10 promptly swung me the other way again.

(In the end, I did decide to get hit with the glowstick, but not in the ‘very hard 10 times’ way. It was still entirely sufficient for me to feel incredibly bad for all the characters in any story I’ve read or written who had a switch used on them (which I imagine is similar). This ends up being further demonstration of the memory effect, because it’s now a day later, and while I remember having that feeling/thought thread, I absolutely can’t recapture it. I’m also trying to figure out if there’s a way in which I can obtain a switch, because as it turns out the glowstick, being curved and therefore hard to aim, can’t actually be swung that hard, and I imagine something straight would fix that problem, so that I could try out the 10 thing more properly. Which I will clearly stop thinking is a good idea as soon as I actually try it, but knowing that doesn’t change things for my brain right now.

I don’t know if this is masochism, the bodily mechanism that’ll later help me with childbirth meanwhile working on this, something that’s actually pretty common and I just haven’t read about it, or something else.

But brains are weird).

More Thoughts On Projecting And Roleplay

[This is a follow up on the previous post.]

So, when I think about how I am in this, I end up with several questions. First, I wonder if roleplay is the right word for what I mean. Because, it and the ‘pretending to be someone else in particular’ roleplay are different enough that I’m not sure they should be sharing a word. But I don’t actually know a better word, and that’s what seems the closest. And anyway, when I do put on a specific person, it feels about the same way to me, so I’m not sure exactly where the line is.

The other thing this leads me to is, do any other people do what I do/experience things like I do? And, in order to properly think about that question, I first had to think of something else I do. My kind of roleplay is the only time I put on someone I’m not. But, it’s not the only time I put on someone. Quite frequently, I, in a rather similar way, put on aspects of myself.

When I stop at a bagel place for lunch, and the cashier asks me if I want anything else, I say ‘no thank you, I’m good’, and I’m using a very specific voice and demeanor, and I might be thinking about work or the news or people or anything, but outside I’m all the same. When store employees ask me if I’m finding everything fine, inside I’m having my anxiousness and wishing they would leave me alone, but I get that same voice and demeanor, and say that I’m good and I’m finding everything OK and thank you very much. And, that’s an aspect of me, interacting-with-helpful-people!me if I had to name her, and I’m putting her on, projecting her out, not like dropping into it but like sculpting a clay castle on my hand and then turning it around so no one can see it, because they see the other side of my hand. Actions and reactions. And I’ve got me’s that draw more on real!me (good-student!me is like this), and me’s that I like being (responsible-good-citizen!me is a reason I happen to really like airports, including security), and sometimes the boundaries kind of blur, but I know the feeling, and it’s not quite like my roleplay feeling, but I think it has things in common.

And then I’ve got mind-states, which are all real!me and not aspects, but share the bit where I feel and function differently – when I’m immersed in work, the steady-focus-with-intensity that service topping something is for me, etc. And then the lines blur again, really badly, with that and mood, and that and situation, and that and other things, and I’m not sure.

And there’s another inbetween. The one time I did ageplay, it almost felt like a cross between the two things. I projected (though the projection felt a bit different, and none of the other metaphors feel like they quite apply), and I wasn’t an aspect of me, but it felt more like I drew the character out of myself than quite like I made her. (Now, as I talked about here, the group dynamic of ageplay is rather different, so that might have also influenced things. But either way, the feeling was what it was).

And, this brings me back to the question of, how does all this work for other people. And of course, given that I’m me and not them, I can’t actually know. But I can try to think of things, at least.

Some people, people in certain kinds of power exchange relationships, don’t have my problem to begin with, because real!them can and does do the things they want to do. Some people are into the physical side of the interaction, and therefore what real!them does is fine with them. And then after this I’m not sure.

I think, from what I’ve heard, that for some people it is like my aspects-of-me – they have aspects of them that can react like what they’re looking for. And I think, from what I’ve heard, that some people share my ageplay experience of pulling something out of yourself. And I think some people have other things, also sharing some similarities with all of this, but not quite any of the things I have. (In a story I read once, a couple who spends their weekends in a D/s dynamic have an in-dynamic moment where he tells her he’s disappointed in her. And I read this and I thought, this is interesting, because he’s not being the-rest-of-the-time!him, who would ask her what happened and they’d discuss it and figure things out. But it’s not like it is for me in roleplay either, because here and now, he means it, and it’s true, and it’s true for both of them. And in the story a lot of attention is paid to how their ‘on’ and ‘off’ times feel different for them, on both sides. And it seems that the best way I could describe that is this is drawing up or immersing yourself in different parts/states/beings, all of which are you).

And this is kind of a rambly blog post, given that I’m not sure if I can quite put my finger on what I’m talking about. Does anyone have any ideas?

On What I Mean When I Say Roleplay

A few times now, I’ve run into a miscommunication about what I mean when I say that the thing I want to do for my kink is roleplay. People hear it and think I mean ‘I’m King Arthur and you’re Sir Lancelot”, or “cop and person guilty of a traffic violation”, or something like that. And, it’s true that I’ve done basically all my roleplay in the category of the second type – I’ve played a prisoner, and a mad scientist supervillain, and a revolutionary, etc. But that isn’t what I mean.

When I say roleplay, I don’t necessarily mean that I’m being someone else in particular. I simply mean that I’m not being me. Or, specifically, I’m not acting and reacting as me.

If I’m playing with someone, and I’m being real!me, and they tell me to kneel, I’ll do it. I’ll do it and I’ll smile inside if not outside, and I’ll like it, and it’ll be fun and a nice part of the scene. And if someone says ‘well, you’re in trouble for XYZ, I’m going to hit you with things’, in my head it’s something like ‘damn right I am!’, and I’ll giggle and get in position and banter with them, and I’ll like it, and I want to do it.

But it won’t be my kink.

It won’t be my kink, because I don’t have a kink for people in enjoyable scenes getting on their knees or getting hit with things. I have a kink for felt power dynamics, for someone who kneels because of power, in respect or fear or pride-despite-nothing. I have a kink for looking down and saying ‘yes, miss’, and being serious and anticipating pain like I don’t want it. And real!me can’t do that. Real!me doesn’t fit there, it doesn’t work.

So, I’m not real me. I take a character in my mind, who can react the way I want, and I project them out of myself, I drop into them, I put them on, I look out of their eyes. I do that so that they can do what real!me can’t, and behind their eyes and realizations, I can get that feeling like my breath catches, like something strikes me to the core and fills me up and is exactly right.

Yes, I play out scenarios, give my characters names and stories. I do that because that’s the way of playing that occurs to me, and I like it. But I like it like a piece of dungeon furniture or a toy. It’s awesome, and things can happen with it that couldn’t without it, and I want to use it – but I don’t absolutely need it. It’s wonderful, but it’s not the core.

The core, for me, is that when I’m looking for a character, I don’t mean ‘am I pretending to be a galley slave or someone arrested for shoplifting?’ What I mean is, what am I going to be like. If there’s a threat, am I going to shiver in fear, or gaze back steadily, or look at the ground and take a breath, or give a snappy retort? (And real!me can’t do any of these things, because to real!me, the threat isn’t real. I either want something, or I’m willing to try it, or I know it’s not going to happen but I’m fine talking about it, or I’m going to call a stop to things. I want the threat, but to get it, I have to be in its universe, and that’s not real!me’s universe). I want this other, so I drop into this other.

That’s what I mean.

A Difficulty

Sometimes, there are things that give you badfeelings, and the answer to that is not to do those things.

Sometimes, there are things that give you badfeelings, and the answer to that is to find ways to handle and deal with the badfeelings, so that you can do those things.

The difficulty is telling the difference.

My morality is very clear on this – each person decides this line for themselves. No one else gets to decide it for them.

The not-always-clear part is – how do I figure out where the line runs for me?

Myself and Derogatives

(aka, wheeee, more thing I can organize!)

[Beginning note: I’m not sure if this needs saying, but just in case it does: In this post, I will be talking about derogatives and insults as used in fictional stories and consensual scenes. This should in no way be equated to verbally abusing non-consenting real people, which is completely wrong and unacceptable.]

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about various parts of this topic for a while, and was recently reminded of it. So, here are the categories of derogatives I’ve identified (if anyone can think of other ones, I’d love their input), and how I feel about them both actionably and narratively. (Note: ‘Actionably’ here always applies to a roleplay scene in which I play a character who is the one the insults are targeting. I am not interested in derogatives as applied to my real self).

Body/Appearance: (Examples: fat, ugly)

  • Actionably: Hard limit. I spend, and have spent, quite enough time in a world full of these messages. I am grateful as anything that my body is one area where I don’t have intrusive anxiety. Everything related to this can stay the hell out of my bedroom.
  • Narratively: Never done, have no interest. Never even occurred to me, to the point that this is the category of derogatives that I only recently thought of as such. As a general rule, outside of some kind of devotional power dynamics, my power dynamic characters don’t comment on each other’s appearance at all. No draw for me at all.

Sexual: (Examples: slut, whore, fucktoy, cumdolly)

  • Actionably: Not my thing. It’s an interesting one in that my reaction to these isn’t so much positive or negative as it is “…?”. I think this is because of my background – I spent most of my adolescence knowing and seeing my peers’ interest in things sexual, with my lack therof being a major thing contributing to my ‘I am alien and don’t belong’ feelings. Since finding out my orientation exists (this is one of the ‘most important events in my life’ to me, incidentally), I’ve been able to think about this area of things, and my feelings about it, in much greater nuance and detail. But, I continue to experience no feelings I feel are sexual, I never think of my body as sexual, etc. So, to me, these insults basically just have a very serious feeling of not fitting. Possible analogy would be someone telling me they hate me because I’m French (I’m not, at all). The mental reaction isn’t any kind of upsetness (or pride) – it’s basically ‘um, what are you talking about?’
  • Narratively: Also not my thing. Sexualness being uninteresting to me, I don’t really tend to put it in stories much (including the ones where I do put sex). I run across some amount of these in reading – they don’t bother me, but don’t tend to interest me either. I do have a character where I think some other characters might call her a whore, but thinking about it, the way it would be used, this would be a worth insult (see below), not a sexual one.

Intelligence and other capability: (Examples: stupid, fool, can’t get anything right)

  • Narratively: [note: notice that these two are in a different order for this category]. I don’t generally have these used as general insults on their own. However, I do often have them used as specific insults – in other words, not ‘you are stupid’, but ‘doing thing X was really stupid of you!’ – and combined with other (generally worth, (see below)) types of insults – ‘stupid thing!’, ‘you’re worthless and you can’t get anything right!’.
  • Actionably: I need more data and/or thoughts on this one. At the moment, I would say that it’s not really my thing, for somewhat similar emotional reasons as the body/appearance, in that I have negative emotional associations. I also know (this is a fairly recent realization) that I don’t want to repeat these about myself. But I don’t seem to mind them being used here and there. I had a segment of a scene focused around one of these (‘fool’, specifically’) that I enjoyed very much. And, the same distinction as in the narrative section applies – ‘that was/would be really stupid of you’ appeals to me in a way that ‘you’re stupid’ does not, as do these insults when combined with worth (see below) insults.

Worth: (useless, worthless, waste of space, trash, filth, scum)

  • Actionably: Yes, please! (In case anyone was reading this post going ‘well, is there anything you do like?’, well, yes, this!). These, I like. I like them being used at me, I get kink-satisfaction out of having to repeat them, etc. As noted above, they also allow for the use of ‘stupid’ type insults, when mixed in with them.
  • Narratively: Likewise. These are the insults that tend to show up in my stories. I also have a habit of making made-up-language insults of this type, and putting those in my stories too. Again, they also allow for mixing in ‘stupid’ type insults.